Had a good day.. only now am I sitting here pondering the dreadful questions. I learned a new skill .. one of those skills that mothers pass to daughters. I can’t seem to stop asking what’s the point.. I have noone to pass this too.. I have no children and likely never will. I’ll be 30 soon and I just can’t get past this sadness.
If everyone would please share this it would be greatly appreciated. My father in law passed away early this christmas morning and we need to get to california as quick as possible.
I have had a very long day.. it started off with this overwhelming since of dread for what was to come. My father in law has cancer.. and not just any cancer.. but stage 4 colon cancer. He lives a 4 hour plan trip away and he has been put on a feeding tube. Needless to say this adds up to a last minute trip for my DH to see his dad… A few problems with this.. we have been together for almost 8 years… and we have not been apart for more than 12 to 16 hours in the last 7 and 1/2 years at least.. this is the first trip where we are spending time apart.. because we cannot afford the two last minute plan tickets. To make things worse the dates of the trip fall right over my birthday.. I have already been dreading this birthday.. I will be 29 and I have no child yet.. I have not started my career and now I get to spend it without my husband. Can someone please tell me what I should be thankful for right now? I just want something to go right for once.. instead I am gaining weight, and not getting any closer to my goals… I am sick of life at this point and I just want to cry all to cry all of the time..
Well I am exhausted.. and I am sitting in class wondering why… whats the point of anything I do?
I am sure that some of this is due to the feelings of inadequacy that I have been feeling lately.. I read posts of my friends and they all have kids.. and with the facebook november trend of say something I am thankful for everyday of the month.. yeah I can’t do it.. Its not that I do not have things in my life that I am thankful for.. but the list of things that have gone wrong recently is so great that I can bring myself to do it.. I am not in a healthy place right now.. I know it .. i think everyone around me knows it…. I though failing the Bar would be the lowest point in my life.. I was wrong…
So here is what just happened.. I seen a baby post on facebook.. everyone knows the type… its my baby is doing this and I am scared that something is wrong.. and everyone is telling this mother that it is fine that she is over thinking it.. and trying to tell her what to do.. How she should behave and something inside of me screamed. I always feel that if i make comments about kids I get this “you dont have kids .. thus your opinion is worthless” feeling.. and unfortunately my response to this friend was just that.. I literally posted I know my opinion means nothing b/c I do not have kids….. its like my jealousy took over and i wanted to sound snarky… I was out to let her know that I did not expect her to take me seriously.. I was out to sound like a bitch.. I know she is concerned about her child and I instead of sounding supportive had to get a dig in.. like its her fault that I am still childless..
I know that this makes no sense but I want to assign fault ot someone … I know its not really a fault question but in my life everything comes with a fault question.. my job is to look at a set of facts and be able to establish some type of fault.. this is what a lawyer/law student does.. we look for the fault.. In the end its my fault.. I am the reason we do not have child.. I am the one with the body that does not work the way it was meant to…
I am sorry that his blog is so all over the place.. I am having a bad day with myself .. I am sitting here trying to hold back tears and my mind is a jumbled mess.. so that is what is coming out on the page..
I just want to make the pain go away.. I wish that i could be okay with not having kids.. but I am not.. I wish i did not feel like such a failure but that that is what I seem to be good at.. I know how to fail.. I fail at wieght loss, I failed the bar, I failed at being a good friend to everyone b/c I can’t let myself be near their kids .. and i fail at being a woman..I am a failure… I should have it tattooed on my forehead..
Well It has been a long time.. mostly b/c I gave up on this whole idea of making myself feel better. Its just not happening and i am still dying inside everyday. So what have I been doing.. well I finished law school and started studying for the bar .. which i took and unfortunately failed in july. I started doing a weight loss program which fizzled as july came rolling around and my time diet went out of the window..
So on the whole infertility front.. I Know this sounds horrible but I just know that at this point a child is not in my future.. I just do not understand why I do not get the opportunity to be a mother and others do.. its driving me crazy.. We even considered adoption and then i failed the bar.. I swear I am cursed.
I have been an emotional wreck.. I am sorry this is such a whine fest.. I Just I cant handle this anymore
OKay so this is been crazy.. I apologize for losing track of my daily progress.. I have been so busy I do not know if I am coming or going.. I have 2 internships, I am studying for the bar, and I am taking three LLM classes… I feel like I am still playing catchup from my father-in-laws vacation..
Well excuses are excuses are excuses..
So heres the thing.. although I have been silent.. I have been doing well at getting back on track.. 5 meals a day is the biggest adjustment but I am getting it done.. and I Have been keeping the promises regarding exercise.. Its been harder because I have really do not have the time but I am forcing the hour of exercise into my schedule.. I refuse to use a scale right now because I will focus on the number and now how I Feel when I am doing this.. I do not want to get discouraged like I Have in the past.
So I will be starting the daily meal plans again starting today…
Okay so where do I start for today… I did not get anything done.. I am supposed to be studying for the bar and I am supposed to be on this big transformation journey… what I really felt like was a sleepy kid.. as I was sitting in the backseat of the car going from place to place.. I love having the my father in law in town.. but I feel like my goals are being set aside because I want to make sure he gets everything out of this visit that he wants.
Well at least my meals were close to on point.. I tried to make high protein decisions…
1. Breakfast was cereal..
2. was a hot turkey sandwich.. much smaller and a small serving of potatoes..
3. A piece of white bread with peanut butter
and 4. we went to applebees.. so I had some tortilla chips and spinach dip and about 1/2 of my chicken and pasta dish.. I only drank water throughout the day and now I am freakin exhausted.. I cannot do a 3 hr . session on con law… I just cant..
I did not get to go to the gym today… not b/c I did not want to.. just honestly got bypassed… my one goal for the day and it went right out the window.. kinda annoyed about that but what can I do…. so I came home and did the 5 minute promise.. this is the first time I have not exceeded a goal and I feel horrible.
At least I got the water in.. yay at succeeding at something..
I am still freaking out in my head that this time if going to ruin the whole journey… God I need something to show me that I am going to make it this time..
Well, I finally actually got some sleep last night… I hate to admit this but I dread sleep. I dread sleep because of the dreams.. If its a good dream; I wake up with the realization that the real like that and I feel empty. IF its a bad dream, I wake in tears knowing that life in many ways matches up. I don’t to my friends and family about this anymore, I Know they get sick of it. I am fighting this emotional losing battle.. and I do not know where to begin.
Well as I am sure everyone has noticed, I have been absent for quite some time. THere are several reasons for this. 1. I have had zero time to do anything for myself. I am taking four classes, and doing a 20-30 hour week externship.. I am tutoring a student with algebra and well thats it. I am also dealing with everyone in my life announcing pregnancies.. like its no big deal I am pregnant.. yay it was easy.. whatever.. we all know how not easy it can be.. well I am going to do my best to write more..